It is Time I Make My Own Decisions

How many of us can honestly say that all the decisions we make in our life are our own? Not me. I have been asked this question and I realized that most of the decisions that I make are not my own. I merely do what the situation demands or what I am obligated to do. Are you in a similar conundrum?

All the women would be thinking, such is the life of a woman. As children, our parents make decisions for us. As teenagers, our friends and boyfriends hold the strings. After marriage, our husband dictates our life and later our children do it. But, here is a shocker, men don’t fare much better either. It is either parent, peer pressure, society, a boss, familial pressure that dictates most of the decisions we make. Basically, everyone is being managed and manipulated into making decisions that we don’t agree with them.

A most common example to this point is the college course that one chooses. Most would think that the course would depend on our strengths or on our dream jobs. However, many of us end up taking up a course that is considered to be a popular choice or one that our parents wanted to take up. We end up with the responsibility of fulfilling their dream at the cost of ours.

The clothes we wear are often prescribed by friends and society. Whether we like them or not, we end up following some fashion trends, just so we can fit in. The office we work and our post is mostly determined by peer pressure. How many times have we heard the words, “Your cousin has already got promoted to a manager, how come you are still a…..?”, “We are planning to apply for XYZ interview, why aren’t you applying too?.

Recently, I met my cousin, who went over budget to buy an apartment in a particular locality. Even though the whole place is stuck in litigation due to environmental issues, they bought it. When I asked them why they did not check all this before booking their apartment, their answer astounded me. Apparently, many of their co-workers had purchased property there. They convinced my cousin to go ahead despite the court case. Their logic was when so many people have bought land there, the court will rule in favour of the majority. I found their justification warped, but my cousin could not escape the constant stress from her co-workers.

These are just a few simple examples that I have quoted here. Many of us make more risky and damaging decisions because of family obligations or societal demands. The latest trends of TikTok challenges, Facebook challenges are a case to this point. We have seen many teenagers and children buckle under the pressure of friends groups and take up drinking, drugs etc. So how does one avoid this? How can you become immune to this pressure?

I have observed that self-aware people, confident people, focused people are immune to this pressure to a large extent. When you are aware of your inabilities, more than abilities, you can make an informed decision for yourself. You will not fall prey to emotional blackmail when you are confident in your decisions and abilities. One more way to avoid peer pressure is when you are focused on your goals. Your determination to achieve goals will keep you from being distracted and helps you stick to your course of action. A supporting and understanding family will also go a long way in avoiding these stresses and wrong decisions. At the end of the day, everyone will have to find a way out of this by themselves. There isn’t a straightforward solution that works for all, we need to find the right mix to treat each problem differently.

Depression is Not Always A Psychological Issue

Depression is often seen as a psychological disturbance where a person is persistently sad. The other symptoms include having trouble with concentration, getting easily annoyed by small things, unexplained anxiety, a negative perception of every situation, morbidity etc. The description I have given here is not the textbook explanation of depression or any symptomatic guide to detecting depression. These are traits that I have seen in a few patients of depression that I have encountered.

In fact, I have endured most of these very symptoms at one time in my life. My continuous work stress led me to believe that I might have a serious issue on my hands. So, I booked an appointment for myself and visited the doctor. After hearing my case, the doctor just prescribed a mild antidepressant and some sleeping tablets for me. He did not bother explaining my problem to me or tell me why I needed those pills. I was dismayed at this behaviour, but I still took the medicines. I tried them for 2 weeks and found no improvement. Moreover, I was always sleepy, which got me into trouble at work. When I went back for a followup visit, the doctor wanted to increase the dosage. I was not convinced, so I decided to take things into my own hands.

I did some research on the matter. There were many articles about the seriousness of the illness, the stigma attached to it, the symptoms and possible treatments techniques etc. But, most of the information was only from a behavioural and psychological standpoint. I wanted to avoid taking antidepressants and sleeping pills. I turned to yoga, meditation, walking, and other hobbies to keep my mind stress free and relaxed. It helped to a certain extent, but every now and then, my mind would take a turn into that dark alley where the shadows lie.

This is when I found an article about how nutritional deficiency leads to mood swings, anxiety, depression, fatigue, irritability etc. All these symptoms point towards depression when they persist over a long period. This got me thinking, I immediately booked a lab test for myself to check if my problem was less psychological and more to do with nutrition.

I was having B complex deficiency along with being anaemic. This meant I was having a deficiency of iron, vitamin B9, B6, B12 among other things. The article I had read suggested that a deficiency of all the above vitamins along with magnesium, selenium, iodine, omega 3 fatty acids, vitamin D etc tend to lead to depression. I took the results to a local doctor and he prescribed a set of vitamin supplements and a new diet plan. Within a few weeks, I was feeling more like myself and eventually, I made a full recovery.

What shocked me about this episode, was the psychiatrist that I approached at first, did not ask for any such tests. He did not check about my general health, my eating habits or any other symptoms apart from psychological ones. He was in a hurry to just prescribe antidepressants. My initial research always spoke about the psychological factors and aspects and hardly ever spoke about the impact of nutrition and food habits on our mind. They speak very vaguely about eating healthy food and avoiding junk food. But I had no idea, a simple vitamin or mineral deficiency could disrupt our mind, behaviour and attitude as well.

I was lucky to get out of this mess without any damage done. I want everyone to become aware of the impact of nutrition and healthy food on our body and also our mind. If you suffer from depression, anxiety or any such psychological problems, make sure you also check for any vitamin/ mineral deficiencies and hormone imbalances. I am sure your doctor would have checked on this, unlike mine. But, it is always better to be informed about all the aspects.

Beware Of The Impact Of Kindness

An act of kindness is universally respected as a good deed. Every religion teaches us to be kind and helpful. We praise generosity and we elevate compassionate people to a God-like status. Then, why did I warn you to be wary of the result of kindness?
Let me tell you a story to explain the statement.

There once was a village of wealthy and prosperous people. All the people of this village were blessed with good health, wealth and abundance. The villagers were grateful for their fortune, they shared it freely with those who were less fortunate. Once a sickly poor mendicant came to their village asking for charity. Everybody donated freely to help the poor man. Soon, with all their kindness, the beggar’s health improved. He was able to save enough money to stop begging. He took up a job in the village. Seeing his development, more beggars started to visit this village. The kind citizens continued to help everyone who came. But some of the villagers observed the sudden increase of beggars, they stopped being so generous. Soon, the rest of the families too started to make the same observation and stopped giving alms as freely as before.

The new beggars did not like this change. They started to demand charity, instead of requesting it. If anyone refused to help, they would get agitated at them. As the situation worsened, more and more families stopped helping. This made the beggars riotous.

Observing all these changes, the village elders and the chief called for a meeting. They wanted to settle this conflict, so they sat down to discuss the concerns. Through this discussion, the chief realized that the whole ruckus was a result of their own kindness.

The villagers were kind to everyone who asked for help, they never checked if the person deserved help or not. They blindly served everyone who asked. Their unquestioning attitude and kindness attracted all the freeloaders and lazy people around. The village became a haven for lazy and good for nothing people. Their begging was no longer a request for help, it became a demand for money. Later, it became the responsibility of the villagers to feed this bunch of beggars.

If you think that this is just another imaginary story, then think again. Transpose this story onto your life and analyse. Often, we try to be helpful to friends or family just because they are our friends or family. We go out of the way to help them, but our friends take the help for granted. God forbid, if we refuse to help them for any reason, they start to get agitated and emotionally blackmail us. They make statements like, ‘how can you be so cold-hearted?’ or ‘is our friendship not worth the trouble?’ They guilt-trip us into going beyond our limits to help them.

It is not just with our friends and family, we see this trend even with certain charitable and social organisations. They make us feel guilty for our well being and use this guilt to manipulate us into donating more than we can afford.

I will not persuade anyone against compassion. In fact, the world could use more kindness, but beware of whom you shower it upon. Not everyone who asks for help deserves it. Do not fall prey to false propaganda and manipulative lies. Stop and check the veracity of any problem before you start to help them.

Use Writing As Therapy

Writing is often considered a good habit to cultivate, many use it as an avocation. Some might even turn it into blogging as I have. But, I feel that penning down your thoughts is the best form of therapy. This is not an original thought; many psychologists have recommended that we maintain a journal of all the events that affect us. I never quite understood the benefits of this exercise until I tried it myself.

It all started with an interview of a famous celebrity, I will not name him as he is a controversial figure with many people glorifying him and just as many reviling him. In this interview, he was asked to advise students who study away from home and fall into depression.

He gave the following simple exercise for all students who feel alone or agitated on any event or issue. ‘Every time you face an issue that disturbs you, write it down’. Find a peaceful place to sit and record the complete incident from your memory in that book. After writing it once, if you do not feel calm, write the same incident again. Try not to revisit what you wrote the first time, but write the whole incident freshly as you remember it at that moment. Repeat this process of writing until your mind cools down. He said it is a way of removing the incident from your mind and getting rid of it.

I tried to follow what he advised and found some interesting things about myself. I realised the first time, I described an incident that hurt me in great detail. I wrote an essay that was 20 pages long describing my emotions, my pain and all hurtful words. The next time I wrote it, the number of pages came down considerably, so did the description of all the emotions. By the end, I wrote about the event 5 times and my fifth attempt was only half a page.

I read back at all the 5 essays that I wrote and I was startled to see the change in tone with each attempt. At first, it was all centred around me and my feelings. The next attempt was slightly less about me and more factual. The third time I became a bit critical of my self. By the last time, I narrated the incident from a 3rd person pov.

I found this technique very helpful and therapeutic. It was also a kind of analysis into my way of thinking too. I want everyone to try this method of self-therapy before we pass judgement on it. Tell me how it works.

Understand the problem before you set out to resolve it

We always speak about identifying the problem and working towards resolving it. But, there is an important step in between both of them and that is ‘Understanding’ the problem. As a matter of fact, understanding the issue is the biggest part of resolving it. I’ve heard many people say, “what can you gain by understanding it, just get rid of the issue”.

By not understanding the predicament, we run many risks. One of them is that our resolution to the issue might be incomplete. We could give the wrong solution that might check the trouble, but not resolve it. We could also end up repeating the mistake that caused the issue in the first place. 

Here is an example of an actual problem that was aggravated because of lack of understanding. An uncle in our neighbourhood developed a cough. Since it was winter, the doctor attributed the case to be simple cold and treated it accordingly. The cough persisted, so the doctor increased the dosage of the cough medicine. The issue was not resolved even then. The uncle changed many doctors over 3 months with no results. He got multiple chest x rays, blood tests, and cultures done to check for an infection. Due to the prolonged cough, he developed redness and soreness of throat along with severe pain in his chest muscles. He was not able to eat anything much and was feeling very weak and miserable.

In the meantime, he went to another doctor to try his luck. As it turns out, he was lucky. This doctor asked for all other symptoms apart from coughing and pains. He also reviewed food habits and considered the past history of my uncle’s health. Once he got a clear picture, he started his treatment. My uncle was cured of his cough. We were ecstatic and we asked the doctor the reason why his medicines worked while all else failed.

It turns out the reason for my uncle’s cough was not in his lungs or throat or any infection. My uncle had an acidity problem and suffered from acid refluxes. His throat was damaged because of the acid reflux and this irritation in his throat led to cough. When the doctor gave him medication to cure his acidity, it removed the root cause and his cough was alleviated. 

This example of acidity causing cough might be a one-off situation. However, it helps to highlight the point that understanding the problem is the best way to resolve it. Try not to rush to solve the problem rather, take time to understand what is transpiring and why it is occurring. Then formulate your plan to save the day.

Counting My Blessings This Year

Hello readers!!
This year has been a memorable one for me due to various reasons. Some good reasons and some not so good reasons. You might say that is what life is about. There are ups and downs in everyone’s life. I have shared a few significant events of my life with you through my blog posts.

My year started out with high hopes and grand plans. The mood was upbeat, with the buzz of activity. As we were renovating our house, the world looked brighter and, I felt optimistic.

I have started my blog this year….that is definitely a happy memory. It has become a means to channel and compartmentalise my thoughts into valuable lessons. I would have forgotten them otherwise.

I have made some new friends this year. I became acquainted with some great people that inspire me and motivate me to work harder.

I have witnessed the loss of a dear cousin. I may not have been very open with my affection for this brother, but I sorely miss him.p

I also attended the marriage of a niece and a nephew. They were such joyful occasions that brought the whole family together.

As I keep counting the events of the year, I realised that despite the dreary mood, my year had been a reasonably fortunate one. In the face of some unfortunate news, I overlooked all the good things that happened to me. Isn’t this a typical situation? We are stuck on one news (it could be good or bad) and we ignore all the rest of the world. We even fail to see how that single event fits into the grander scheme of life events.

It Is The Season To Spread Joy

It is Christmas time. I know, most of you are thinking, ‘no shit Sherlock’. My point is that it is Christmas time and it is the time to spread joy, love and brotherhood. If you are a feminist, then it is sisterhood too.

Most of us immediately run to buy gifts, clothes and cards when we speak of spreading joy. Moreover, these gifts are shared with friends, family and loved ones. I know that this is a tradition, it reminds us of all that family time.

But, I ask you whether this is the true meaning of spreading joy. As far as I can see, most of us me included, share our love with the people we know. We mingle and spend time with loved ones. How is that spreading joy? When we say spread the joy, it should go outside of our known circle of people.

This Christmas, try to reach out to that friend or neighbour that we are no longer in touch with. Try to speak to those that we usually choose to ignore. Make an effort to mend fences with an estranged member of family or friends. I believe that would be the true meaning of spreading joy and love.

By doing this, you are reaching out to those you don’t exactly love. You are including and expanding your circle. Your friends and family get your time all year long. It is time someone new also gets your love and a share in your joy.

I plan to practice this and hope you do too. Tell me in the comments about how successful you have been.
Merry Christmas!!

We Need To Develop A Thick Skin

We often come across stories of intimidation through trolling, bullying, severe and vociferous criticism etc. Be it skin colour, body type, thoughts, ideas, religion or something as random as dresses we wear, anything can trigger an avalanche of hate toward us. In our endeavour to be heard and to express our opinion, we often encounter such behaviour. They have become commonplace in the society which often believes itself to be the judge, jury and executioner in all matters social.

Take the example of the recent case cyberbullying of the 16-year-old climate activist, Greta Thunberg. For all her tireless activism, Time magazine named her the person of the year. This triggered an unwarranted Twitter attack from President Trump. Where earlier he ridiculed her health condition and mannerisms, today he suggested her taking anger management classes.

In life, every decision we make will be met with an equal number of supporters as well as opposers. There is nothing wrong in stating an opinion as long as it does not prey on someone’s confidence and self-esteem. Constant criticism and bullying often lead to depression, anxiety, even suicidal thoughts. Every small remark or comment made against a person dents their confidence and scars their psyche. Many people have spoken about this negative behaviour with little to no impact on the trends.

However, I would like to make a note of caution on this point. Sometimes, people become so sensitive about a review that they refuse to consider constructive feedback too. In fear of being bullied, we close our mind to all kinds of feedback, both useful and otherwise. This is another dangerous behaviour in itself.

The way I see it, despite constant reminders, coaching, punitive laws, trolling and bullying continue to thrive in the world. It makes more sense that we try to find a way to overcome this monster by making our self tougher and stronger.

I do not condone any form of bullying and bullish behaviour, however, I feel that we all need to develop a thick skin. If we want to survive in today’s world, we all should be able to brush off these bullies and critics. We need to stand tall and strong with our beliefs. We have to learn to maintain a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem. We should believe in our self strongly enough so that these bullies cannot budge our confidence. As long as we are not breaking any rules or law, we need not be afraid of others’ opinions. We should only look at them as empty words of distrustful people.

It is true that bullying and trolling is a wrong attitude and it should stop. You might say that it is not the victim who should change, but the perpetrators. I agree with that comment too. However, I feel there is no harm in improving oneself. If having confidence in ourself and strong self-worth is what we need to develop then I want to make that change. Being a victim can only get us so much help. If we want to turn the tide, we need to help ourselves. So friends, do not cower down in the face of bullies and haters. It might take time, but build your self-confidence and self-esteem to fight them.

Attitude For Gratitude

Everyone must develop an attitude for gratitude. This is one of the main lessons that is taught by all self-help gurus, life coaches, personality development speakers etc. They always say that we must be grateful for what we have. We must say thank you to God or the universe or the people around us. Who you thank depends on what you are thankful for.

Every time I heard this phrase, I thought, “What do I have to be thankful for?” My job was a dead-end one, my personal life was going nowhere; I saw people around me moving forward while I felt stagnant. I had a very depressing sense of life. Every time I spoke to my sisters, I would always complain about my problems. Sometimes they would just listen, sometimes they would correct me on my thinking. My friends would try to reassure me and make me see the good in life around me. Some friends even introduced me to life coaches to help me find joy. My parents supported me by being patient and understanding. I appreciated all their efforts and yet, I found nothing to grateful for.

My mood continued to be sad for a few months. I don’t quite remember what made me turn to God for help, but I did that. I went to a temple, sat down and told my troubles to God. I asked him, “What is there to be grateful for in my life?” That was when my question was answered.

Before you think that I went crazy, let me explain, God did not actually answer my question. I had an epiphany while I was going to work. Though I have always complained of not having anything to be grateful for, I forgot about the biggest gift I always had, ‘someone to speak to’.

I always had my sisters, whom I ran to with my complaints. My friends tried to cheer me up. My parents never complained about my sour moods. My relatives also tried to help me find a way out. I have so much to be grateful for right here.

My job might be a dead-end one, but it keeps me busy through the day. My pay might be bad, but it keeps a roof on my head and food to eat. I have difficulties, but I have people who will listen to them. Whenever I feel lost, I have people who will show me the way back home. If I am moody, I have friends to cheer me up. What more can I ask for in life?

Indeed, I am not as successful as I could be or as rich as the next person. I might not lead as fulfilling a life as someone else. However, I still have the potential to achieve them. I have the means and resources to turn things around for myself.

That day, I thanked God, the universe and life in general for giving me all this. I found a direction to move forward in. Each and every one of us has the potential to be the best. We can achieve greatness and reach the highest point in our life. We just do not realize what we have. We always look at things we do not have and we feel bad. It reminds me of a proverb that my mother told us. There was once a man who was bothered about picking up the grains of wheat that fell down in front. He was so busy picking them, he missed all the tasty fruits and melons that were behind him. It is time we wake up and build our attitude for gratitude.

A Sympathetic Ear Is All We Need

There have been many occasions when I wanted to shout on top of my voice, ” I do not want solutions, I just want a sympathetic ear”. Haven’t we all been there? Every time I feel overwhelmed by the world around me, I feel the need to offload my troubles onto someone. Just sit and tell them my troubles and then carry on with life. I know that talking about them won’t solve them, but we feel light and less alone when we talk out our problems. But now I have encountered an even bigger problem, there is no one to listen.

I tried speaking to my family and soon realized that I was better off keeping my mouth shut. By speaking, I was adding to my troubles. It almost feels like I was asking the police how to steal.
Next, I turned to friends for a sympathetic ear. The minute I started telling them my first problem, they started comparing it to their lives and their troubles. It became a competition of who has the worst situation. It was fun for a while, but I never got to actually telling my problem before the winner was declared. They had their own set of issues to deal with and I could not compete with theirs.

This time I turned to my seniors. I tried to speak to my teachers and lectures, anyone senior to me. It was fine at the start, they listened. But slowly after some time, they started making suggestions, giving solutions etc. They understood my mindset and attitude, so they started anticipating my issues and told me what to do next before I could talk. It would have been a blessing if I was really looking for solutions. I realized this must be God’s way of telling me to stop complaining all the time.
Nowadays, I have anything on my mind, I just stand in front of a mirror and rant out all that I have to say. If it does not help, well that how I get inspiration for my blog posts 😉😉.

Let Us Agree To Disagree

People all over the world, irrespective of ethnicity, race, religion, gender etc are all obsessed with being in agreement. People want to be in conformity with others in everything, be it appearance, ideas, opinions, even in priorities. The funny thing is, even when you disagree on something, we all want to disagree on the same thing. Conforming to a norm or a set of rules of utmost importance.

We all speak very highly of heterogeneity, uniqueness, out of the box thinking. However, the minute an unconventional idea, or fresh thinking or something different comes up, we all want to remove it, to change it or to kill the uniqueness. Basically, our first instinct is to remove anything that stands out and bring back uniformity. We might enjoy discussing this new idea, we may argue about its pros and cons. We could also debate about it, but we all want everyone to reach a consensus and stand by it. We do not accept fringe groups who want to make their own path.

In today’s world, diversity in the true sense is not tolerated. It is a superficial concept that we like to boast about. However, in our hearts, we secretly plan to remedy this situation. At the core, we want everyone to think, function and behave alike. This notion is what brings about the death of a culture. When we get into a herd mentality, individual thought dies. Without independent individual thought, society cannot grow and evolve. It will die a slow and painful death.

We all need to make an effort to accept our differences. Not just on a superficial level, but also in our hearts. We should understand that there is nothing wrong with being different. We must make an effort to realise that there is nothing wrong in seeing a different perspective. There cannot be a hero without a coward, no white without black or no good without evil. So diversity is a requirement to every society rather than a nuisance that you have to put up with.

Image Source: I have sourced the featured image from Google images. I do not own this image.

Inspiration

Inspiration is the positive driver that guides us and urges us to achieve our target. I have written a few times, on a similar theme in my earlier posts. I wrote about motivation, how the quality of motivation is important, and how we can turn our fear into a positive driver. I do not want to be monotonous. The reason for speaking on this topic again was a heated discussion that I was part of. It brought upon a sudden urge to rant to my readers on the topic about what should and should not inspire us.
I have always believed that inspiration and the root of inspiration is an individual choice. What encourages us and what discourages us is a personal choice based on our experiences and perspectives. Yet, I hear people denouncing and ridiculing others on what they base their inspiration on. How can one decide what is inspiring or not for other people?
I often notice that people make fun of one another as a way to make them take up a dare or a challenge. It is all part of the friendly ribbing that is common among kids. It was fine when it was between kids, but when we see elders employ the same tactic, it gets disturbing. There are instances when grown-ups poke fun at kids on their weaknesses and expect them to get inspired by it.
They think that when they say, “You are stupid”, or ” You can’t manage the job” or ” You run like a girl” etc, we will take it as a challenge and complete the task to prove them wrong.
I find this tactic to be childish and counterproductive. Picking on a person’s weaknesses or insulting them will only discourage them and make a person doubt. It will in no way, encourage the kid.
Kids generally draw inspiration from famous people or sportsperson. It is quite common to be influenced by positive example that we see in the outside world. This idea was shot down stating that we should not look outside for inspiration and that it should come from within. I agree with this argument but, being mean to a kid is no way to reinforce their confidence or boost their morale.
At times, it might be tricky to encourage a person or to give them a confidence boost. However, it is not necessary to kill their faith with harsh reality checks. You might come from a good place, but insulting a kid or picking on their weaknesses is just called bullying. If your intention is not to bully a kid, please change your tactic. I can only suggest that we all should be mindful of the way our words are perceived. If we have nothing motivating to say, then it would be better to hold our tongue.